I am a sleep-deprived, irritable, dazed bitch! It might have something to do with having 6 week old twin boys and a diva- toddler who is 2.5 years old and think she knows shit.  I am not an avid Facebook user and I can tell you why.  Every time I peruse people’s FB posts they say dumb shit like “My sweetie is the most wonderful man” or “Motherhood is the best job in the world!”

Like hell it is?!!! Are you serious? If my 2.5 year old tells me “no” one more time! Why do people feel the need to project the image of fantasy fiction? Sometimes relationships are wonderful, often times they are shitty.  Parenthood can be amazing, sometimes it’s excruciating.  Why can’t we speak the truth?

I decided to write a Blog for myself.  A truth-telling blog that let’s all my shit hang out there because let’s face it, this shit is absolutely crazy.  I have called it “uvegot2bekidding” because, as one of the twins projectile shit all over me at 3 in the morning, I thought to myself, “Are you fucking kidding me right now?: and so many of my current experience beg this very caustic question.

Let me provide some context here.  I am a middle-aged Black chick who simply died to be a wife and mom in addition to my many professional roles.  In my mid-30s I actively despaired that I had not yet met the right guy (met him now, married him….sometimes want to kill him too!) and my bio clock was CLANGING loudly in my ears.  I kept thinking how glorious life would be if I could just meet the right guy, marry him, and have kids.  Funny how I told myself the same bullshit to get through college, graduate school, and just about every other stressful and painful experience.  You think I would know that I was LYING to myself by now. WTF – K! (I will refer to myself as K as I talk to myself often).

The “right guy” was from another country.  In 6 short years, we met, got him to the US, he got a job in another state, we got married, got him a job in the same city I was, and then began our painful journey of infertility and correlated relationships issues as we learned how to be a couple in the midst of painful, crazy-ass shit.  We are still working on this and sometimes it ain’t pretty.

In our journey, we have had 9 pregnancies (multiple miscarriages) and we now have 3 kids.  Infertility absolutely sucked and somehow you convince yourself that getting to the other side (after you have the glorious child/children), means “happily ever after.”  We have 3 healthy kids which is an amazing blessing but I ain’t met happily ever after yet.  That bitch is elusive as hell and if I ever meet her, I am actually going to kick her ass for being mythical fiction.  I guess what exists is fulfillment through the struggle? BULLSHIT!

What’s my point here? No one can really tell us shit.  We want the things we want regardless of reason or logic. Our dreams and heart’s desires won’t be quieted through logic or reason and we often have to follow our dreams because they will not let us be still.  As for my own dream of being a mom, I often ask myself besides some crazy-ass biological drive to reproduce, who would do this  shit? Extreme sleep deprivation, complete denial of your own needs, smart ass toddlers who have only been on earth for 2.5 years giving you their opinion on shit and then making rude ass demands (mamma get me some water…WHAT?!?) – who would knowingly sign on for such foolishness? Yet, I signed on the dotted line and pushed people out of the way to be as far ahead in line as I could be.

So, if it’s not about happily ever after, WTF is it about? I guess I’ll let you know when I figure the shit out.

Signing off for now…

K