So my generous mother came over to watch the twins so I could sort through my clothes to get ready to go back to work (this means I can permanently kiss my draining ass maternity leave GOODBYE!!!!!! Hip, hip hoo-fuckin’-ray!).  You may ask yourself why my mother would need to come over just so I can sort through some clothes.  Let me explain.

I have not sorted through my clothes since 2009 and I have at least 10 bags of clothes to donate to prove it!  I have moved several times, got married, been pregnant 9x (see previous blog posts), had 3 babies, etc.  In 2009 I was a skinny, toned-ass chick.  I was a damn triathlete.  I KNEW even then that my cute ass little physique would be temporary so I enjoyed it.  I rocked tight ass pants (classy tight, not slut tight), mini skirts, and whatever else I could wear that showed my flat stomach, after all, I worked hard for it and looked FAR better than I did in my 20s.

In 2009 I was single and looking.  Yes, I was on the manhunt – okay, husband-hunt.  My wardrobe reflected this.  I have never done the slut look well (except on Halloween – think cat woman, French maid, etc…and I looked GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDD too!) but I have done classy slut well.

Anyway, given my multiple moves over the past several years as well as my pack-ratism habits, going through all of these clothes was like a journey though the time warp of my past.  Each outfit reminded me of a bygone era (probably because each was from a different time period in my life! Damn! As I looked through (and finally donated) all those clothes I was reminded of several things.

1) Dating for husbands absolutely sucked! I was 28 when I started what a girlfriend calls “husband hunting.”  I lied to myself and said that I was “dating for fun” but I wasn’t.  I was dating as a means to an end and I treated that shit like a job and I interviewed candidates.  Perhaps that’s why it took almost 8 years to find the right guy! I worked at that shit and told everyone (including the guys I was dating)  that I wasn’t in a hurry  (because that was the socially acceptable, non-scaring off guys thing to do – but of course this was an absolutely lie.  I have no patience and am always in a hurry.  Plus that bio-clock was getting annoying.  At 28 it was annoying – at 35 it was terrifying and screamed at me on a daily basis! Guys would ask if I was looking for anything “serious” and thus we would begin the dance and I would say dumb shit like “if it happens it happens” or “yes, I would like a family some day but I’m not in a hurry.” OF COURSE I’m IN A FREAKING HURRY! WTF I’m 28, 30, 32, 34, 36……My EGGS ARE GETTING OLDER. CAN YOU NOT HEAR THEM CRYING OUT TO BE FERTILIZED???????  But of course I was also very picky.  I didn’t want just any man’s fertilizer – I mean really! One day I will write about all the crazy dates I’ve had but not now.

2) After my daughter was born, I had body image issues because NONE of it was the same.  I knew that other women had a hard time losing their baby weight but I just KNEW that wouldn’t be me as I like to exercise.  Shit, I also like to eat and I do love my red wine.  There is nothing wrong with french fries and jerk chicken.  Really, there isn’t.  Also, I actually wanted to spend time with my daughter (ah, the dilemma of motherhood – you often want to spend time with your children) so exercise became intermittent then non-existent.  Oh, yes then there were those multiple pregnancies and unexplained miscarriages which made me afraid to exercise.  If I would have known then that the diagnosis was “old ass, dried up, useless eggs” I just would’ve exercised my ass off.  Damn!

3)  Did I tell you that back in 2009-2010 I was TOO Cute!!!  I really was.  My question now is can you still be cute if you jiggle? I am not concerned with “being cute” anymore I just don’t want the mom uniform (elasticized pants, no make up, and a weary exhausted look) to be a permanent thing, though I completely get it and wear it.  It’s best to be comfortable so when twin one and twin two spit up on you and diva-toddler-girl wipes play doh on you, you don’t care because you are in the mom uniform.  So, now 8 weeks post twin boys birth and my weight is below what I was pre-pregnancy (EXCITING) but I jiggle everywhere.  That shit is NOT cute!!!!! If I jumped up and down, my rolls would keep going a few rounds even when I stopped.  That is so not cool.  This time, I have more realistic expectations.  I have 3 kids now and a husband so I cannot spend 2 hours, 5 days a week in the gym – plus I refuse to give up jerk chicken and red wine – plus gravity does a number in middle age!

So – back to my question- can you still be cute if you jiggle? Can you rock the jiggle-wiggle with confidence like “Yeah bitches, I jiggle but no one can do it like me. Don’t hate…appreciate!”

I think you can still be cute with a jiggle-wiggle – just a different kind of cute.  I am not flaunting it but I am working on acceptance of my body’s changes.  It has served me well and done some amazing thing like produced 3 kids.  I’m now mom/wife cute as opposed to single/young cute.  Just don’t look too hard at my jiggle.

Signing off –

K